Pictures

I used to look at all the baby pictures leftover from my childhood, wondering if my mother and father ever came out from behind the camera to play with me. I felt slightly annoyed that they felt compelled to document every little moment on film. Now I get it. In fact, I have surpassed the photo insanity. Thanks to the digital age, I have more pictures of Sean from just nine months of life than exist in my entire collection. Hundreds of pictures of Sean live in my computer, several frames of the same shot with slightly different variations that I just didn't have the heart to delete. It reminds me of that commercial where the kids are asking to be freed from the camera. Does anyone print pictures anymore?

I have a baby book for Sean that needs to be updated with newer photos. When I print out the pictures at home I miss the quality of the good old days of photo shop printing - I know I could run down to CVS for chosen prints but it's still not the same. Remember square pictures? Or the row of flashes that burned out? How about doubles? What a waste. Maybe there would be a couple good pictures in the lot that you just paid ten bucks for. Inevitably there would be a picture of a thumb, or the pictures would all come out black for some reason (you still had to pay for them), often the pictures would be double exposed with conflicting images. Remember the negatives tucked neatly into the front fold of the package? Now I treasure the dull matte paper my baby shots are on. Sean appears only in high gloss.

I took Sean to Sears last week to have his 9 month pictures taken. Before that, I had his 8 week and 6 month pictures taken at Kiddie Kandids (sic). But Sears sent me a coupon I couldn't resist. As I mentioned, when I take pictures of Sean I don't have to get rid of any; even the not-so-great ones remain on my computer. But I need to make selections when the professional photo shoot is done. For someone as indecisive as me, this can take its toll. As the flashes go off, I pray that only one or two shots come out good, but inevitably there are several that do and I sit there long after the photographer has lost patience and moved on to another client (or two...or three) and Sean has launched into a hungry, wet-diapered tirade. The first two times I managed to make my selections within a couple hours, mostly because I bought most of them. This time was different (I like to blame 9 months of little sleep). I actually went back to Sears twice after the shoot to pick out pictures...luckily, Kenny the photographer, was cool, stating "crazy is the new normal." I could've played it safe and ordered a full body shot, but I took a risk and ordered a 10x13 of this way close up picture of Sean's face. Even Kenny was like "whoa." And of course, now that all is said and done I'm still recalling the shots I left behind, particularly one of Sean on his stomach making this grumpy face at the camera that is totally him. Or the one of him biting his lips. But I didn't want to repeat the past of buying most of the pictures to avoid making a decision. I drew the line this time. I have to remind myself I get to see him every day and these are just pictures.

I'm happy that I have until December to recover until I have to go back for his one year pictures. And after that, I'll take him once a year, on his birthday.

I'll be picking up his new prints on October 10th. I can't wait.

xo

Cheerios

Sean is 9 months 11 days old today. For longer than that I've been telling myself I'll keep track of his babyhood in writing so we can remember what happened when but I've found that writing is a luxury I haven't been able to afford on a regular basis, so it exists piecemeal in a few pages of a journal, loose bits of paper, and on a word document somewhere on my computer. Maybe I'll leave these where they are, maybe I'll transfer some of these thoughts to the blog. I hope the blog will prompt me to write more. I said hope.

Here's a short and pathetically incomplete update of a few of the happenings in Sean's life so far: he's been saying "hi dada" for 4 months now, but it's directed toward lots of things, including Eric; he also says "mummm" but it's when he is unhappy, like when he wants to get out of his pack & play. I swear he said "cat" last week while pointing to the cat but I haven't heard it since. He holds vocal notes for long periods of time: "ahhhhhhh....ahhhhhhh....ahhhhhhh" which I call singing; he likes Amy Winehouse's music; he likes watching Yo Gabba Gabba! on TV (save the lecture); he has 4.5 very white, very little teeth; I've let him fall off the couch once and the bed once (a heavy thud you never want to hear, especially twice!); he rarely naps and if he does it's for a moment only; he doesn't sleep in his crib and breastfeeds all night long in our bed, forgoing liquids during the day no matter how much I try to reverse this - he refuses all kinds of formula (he knows what's good, I guess); he plays a little red piano with both hands - sometimes he just bangs on it, other times he plays gently which breaks my heart a little; for a few weeks now, he's been doing this wounded soldier's crawl, dragging his left leg behind him, which makes me worry he has hip dysplasia like I did as a baby. Time will tell.

Now to the Cheerios. For about a week I've been feeding Sean Cheerios, one at a time, holding my breath hoping he doesn't choke (I envy other mother's abandon in feeding their babies). Sean likes the Cheerios, he gets a thoughtful look on his face as he moves the little toasted circle around his mouth while it gets soft enough to swallow, though he still gags a little as he does. So...this morning after breakfaast I leave my post at the kitchen sink to wipe Sean's mouth in his high chair. And lo and behold, almost from the corner of my eye I see him place a Cheerio into his mouth successfully. Before this, the furthest he got was getting the Cheerio to stick to his fingertip before having it fall to the floor.

So this is the latest. This is our big news for today.

xo

Poem for Sean Logan

Poem for Sean Logan @ 6 months old

I lean in -
Your wet mouthed mess
Cools my shirt and face.

You emit space
Ship noises, syrupy
Sighs, monkey cries.

You stare out the
Window at leaves,
Wavering.