"winning"

Last night Sean woke up for what seemed like the hundreth time, and I went in. He said he was afraid of his animals (I have offered to remove the life sized giraffe, tiger and zebra from his room before). He is, in fact, not afraid of these animals because he screams when I actually make a move to do so and states that he loves them. Really, he is just looking for any kind of conversation. If the wake-ups revolve around peeing or a getting a drink of water (valid reasons) the process is usually expedient. But when he calls my name to get me out of bed to have his back rubbed again (the last step in his night time routine) or something else (like the animals or just to talk) and I tell him calmly I'm going back to bed and goodnight he starts getting loud and crying and pitches a fit. I try to be patient during the first few non valid wake up times but find my blood boils once they start accumulating; not only am I beyond exhausted but I am frightened because my child (and we) never gets a good night's sleep and I don't know why. He doesn't eat candy or have caffeine, he gets a moderate amount of exercise. He ends up cranky during the day and I can barely function. Not to mention he shares a wall with his baby sister, who he inevitably wakes up as the noise escalates. Last night, as Gia howled in her room from being woken up, I had him back in his bed and he asked through tears "are you going to lock me in my room?" and I died a little. I know I've threatened that a couple times in the past, when he's crept out of his room for the 100th time, as in "if you come out one more time, I'm going to lock your door." But I never have. So there in the dark I answered him solemnly: "No. I will never lock you in your room, but Gia is crying and I need you to stay in your bed." To which he calmed down and finally did (for a little while, anyways). But I lay in bed awake for hours afterwards, horrified that this child recalled what I threatened in desperation just a couple times before. I won't say it again, though I might think it, and I pray the memory of it fades quickly in his mind.

xo

Divine

I grew fiery when
Your great-grandmother called
It horrible English hair

Its wisps cross
Your forehead to
Tickle blue eyes

This same woman deemed
The color of my wedding
Gown dirty ivory

What does she know nothing
Her eight daughters together
Don't meet your beauty

Your little lady face
Twists so easily baby
Hands fly to fine locks.

6.5.11

two funny things

Two funny things in two days has prompted me to write after 9 months gone by with no blogging. This morning the coffee maker was making its usual gurgling sound and Sean, 3.5 years old says he hears someone snoring. The other is yesterday Sean came in to me and said "do we eat turkeys, like, their bodies?" To which I answered yes, and expalined that it is the same as when we eat chicken or cows. He made a horrified face and exclaimed "that's sad!" To which I had to answer honestly, "yeah, it kind of is." This little boy astounds me with some of the things he comes up with, much like any parent, I suppose, is amazed with their child. Tomorrow is his spring concert with his school. The headmaster warned me that some of the little kids don't make it up there but I'm confident he'll be a champ.

Gia is 17 months old today. She says a few words. Mama, Dada, tubby, Nana, nana (for banana), hi, and maybe a couple more but I am waiting impatiently for her to say more. I beg her every day to say "cup" holding her milk high above her head but she just laughs. I beg her to say Sean and she utters something that does not sound like Sean. Hell, Sean couldn't say Sean for the longest time. She is really good at mimicking words. Physically, she's a dynamo, and climbs everything there is to climb with no regard to her safety. She is the most beautiful girl on the planet. She sleeps in her own crib at night and pretty much sleeps through the night which is the complete opposite from Sean who STILL wakes up all night long and cries and needs comfort from either me or Eric. It is exhausting, though I still blame myself for letting him sleep in the bed with me for his first 18 months.

I stopped breastfeeding Gia about a month ago, right before mother's day. She doesn't seem to miss it and it was a long time coming. It never seemed to be the right time to stop. I would try to memorize her face every time, the delicious weight of her in my arms and lap. I would tell myself, OK this is the last time. Finally I just said to myself, the last time was the last time so it wasn't so damn sad. Sean got two months more than her. Second baby always gets shafted, I guess. Gia loves to stand in the tub. She also loves to dance in front of this singing Elmo chef magnet thing that has three plastic pans hanging from it. I must've mentioned her dimple on her right cheek before. It is just gorgeous and is not going anywhere. She sort of looks like a pirate when she smiles. I could eat her up. I've been playing piano more and she loves to bang on it too. I think both she and Sean are musical which I am really excited about. Why wouldn't they be? All I do is sing. The other morning while preparing breakfast I was singing "Cryin" by Aerosmith and got to the part "I was crying when I met you now I'm trying to forget you, your love is sweet misery." Sean said "that is not a nice song." Haha. Whoops.

I want to write a poem to suit Gia. I feel the little writing I've done has been about Sean and she deserves some thought. If only I could keep my damn eyes open and my thoughts flowing. I'll be back, Soon.

xo