waiting...

My Sean is almost 22 months old. He is (mostly) happy, healthy, affectionate and adorable. He loves to laugh. My only real complaint is that he is still not a good sleeper. I blame myself for letting him sleep in our bed until he was 18 months old. My true concern lies in his verbal ability.

He says lots of words, but I am waiting and waiting for true communication. I feel as if other toddlers his age are more advanced than him verbally and this worries me a bit. He can repeat words but they are still all single words. Like I said, I'm waiting.....Physically, he's all set: he can climb up playgyms at the park and slide down the slide himself, he plays with his toys and can run and climb like a champ.

He understands me when I talk to him; I can tell him to get his cup, and he'll walk across the room and get it. But he will not ask for his cup. Could it be because I am offering it constantly and he doesn't get the chance? His favorite words are Mama, Dada, Minyow (cat), nose, mouth, out, up, down, ball and bus. Everything on wheels is bus, including real busses he sees out the window and his toy bus. Bus bus bus....he repeats these favorite words every day. This scares me somehow, though everything else about him seems normal.

"They" always say not to rush things, as in "I can't wait until......" when it comes to children because it all comes too quickly. But there are two things regarding Sean that we can't wait for. 1) for the teething to stop - this boy does not tolerate mouth pain well and these teeth come slow and, more importantly: 2) for the day he expresses something he wants rather than pointing and saying "I"

Autism is such a scary word and it is not like this speech delay and repeating the same words alone indicate that possibility, but the "A" word looms on every parents mind, I imagine. I've been to the websites and Sean does not meet any other requirements on the autism checklist so I'm fairly confident that it is not a

Summer

was so short this year - it started and ended in August. But we had a great one down at Maushop Village in Mashpee, Cape Cod. My mother and her husband rented a house and you could walk to the beach. So nice. Now, I have not sunned myself for 16 years, and wasn't about to start now, but all those days hidden under the umbrella on the beach led to a sprinkling of a tan. Sean ended up with tanned forearms thanks to his awesome UV blocking beach shirt and Eric ended up with his usual burnt neck. Sean danced at the Popponesset Marketplace when they had a band at night (though this didn't start until 7 - his bedtime - so we only went a couple of times). We live on a hill here in Quincy, so going out around the neighborhood for a walk is kind of out of the question, but what a treat it was to walk the nice flat roadways of Maushop Village. Sean is a runner, though, and ended up with scraped knees more than once. He took it like a champ though, just got up and kept going.

Thought having nothing to do with Sean: why is it that while we are in the thick of things we can't appreciate them? Why do I bicker with my mother when we are together but long for her the minute we are apart again only to face months without her? I want to say this summer was better than last summer but I am not sure. Was I too critical as usual? I like to think I am helping but I know I should probably just shut up. I calm myself down by telling myself I learned from the best - she can dish it out like the best of them.

Sean really loved being around people this summer. There always seemed to be visitors and Sean is really great with people and crowds. It's not as if I took advantage of the company or my mother for that matter, and took a moment to myself - no - but there was a peace inside me that is not usually there while I am home alone with the baby. And now there are going to be two come January. We learned that she is a little girl if the ultrasound tech is to be believed. I'm going with it, already started buying clothes (can't help it!). I was fully prepared for news of another boy and started to get happy about the idea as I watched little brothers horsing around on the beach together having a blast but when I learned she was a girl my heart leapt with joy = a girl! A daughter! So many things that come along with it...this time Eric and I learned the news from a little cute cardboard sign placed in an envelope. It's what we were secretly hoping for.

Names. I guess I'll be adding her name to the name of this blog. I am having the worst time picking one out. Gia was my girl's name when I was pregnant with Sean and it's still in the running. Bianca, Lana and Lara are floating around in my mind as well. How did our parents choose our names? Do we become our names or are they just a tag to identify us or what?!

xo

Bad Mommy

I am not a blogger, I guess. What has happened in the past 4 months? Seems like nothing new though I'm certain Sean has grown in many ways. He calls the cats "mi-now" which I guess must mean "meow" though I don't know why that would be stuck in his head (the cats aren't very vocal except for when they shouldn't be = like when he's sleeping!) He is obssessed with this word. It is the first thing he says when he wakes up - he says it while we're out, during all circumstances -- it's starting to worry me how much he says it but whatever. he does have a ton of other words too here at 19 mos. old but he is not talking, per se. He does a lot of repeating, like if I say "clock" he does too. I keep waiting for him to communicate with me verbally. I want him to say "cup." At his 18 month visit he was 25th percentile in weight and 75th in height. I guess I'll take it since I'm probably 5th in both.

OK so I'm 4 months pregnant. I have been so sick it's ridiculous. If it is another boy there is no rhyme or reason to the old wives tales. If it is a girl, I will understand that the chemistry was completely different this time. I'm finally coming out of the sickness part - probably last threw up a week ago. But my God, the headaches are in full force this time. I remember some headaches with Sean, but they seemed to pass. This time, there is always a headache, whether an underlying dull roar or a full blown nightmare.

At 18 months Sean stopped breastfeeding. We'd been winding down for awhile, and then it was over. It ended a lot less painlessly (physically and emotionally) than I expected so YAY. At 18 months Sean went into his own bed too. He hated the crib so we converted it to a toddler bed. For the first couple of weeks, I thought a miracle had occurred. He was sleeping through the night but waking up at 5 AM (I'll take it!). But the past few weeks have been a downward spiral. He's been waking up at all hours and still getting up at 5 AM. I think I'm going crazy. I don't know what it is. Yeah we've taken him into the bed with us after we've tried to get him to go back down for forever which I know is bad but everybody does it. So I keep waiting for things to get back to where they were for those initial blissful two weeks. C'mon, please?!

There's a lot more to say but I'm going to post this and (maybe) add more later.

xo

road trip and other trials...

It's early. I'm typing in the dark from a hotel room in Baltimore. It's foggy outside and it feels like 5 in the morning though it's 7. Yesterday we drove down here - it took 8 hours. Sean cried a lot of the time - sometimes letting up when Amy Winehouse sang from the speakers. I might be sick of that album, for now. It plays in my head when it's not on.

We are on day 7 of trying to break Sean from his night time feeding frenzy. Last night was sort of ruined. 8 hours in the car led to not enough milk. Sean is not a public eater, doesn't like to be anywhere but a bed (I don't blame him, really). So naturally he was extra hungry last night. Things seemed to be getting better at home, had him down to a whimper from a roar, but last night he was roaring. I gave in at 3 AM. I do have hotel room neighbors to think about. I hate taking a step back.

Back to the road. Things didn't get off to a great start. We left at 10 and not 8. Also, an hour into it we were already having lunch at a rest stop. Sean dropped a chicken mcnugget on one of my new Ugg boots, leaving an ugly dark strip of grease across the top. It was my first time wearing them.

Things ended well; the hotel room is nice - has a little living room & kitchen & wide screen TV. James Joyce Irish Pub sits across the street and we went there for Guinness and fish & chips for dinner. I hope it's a nice week and we venture outside for a couple of adventures.

xo

Breaking the habit...

OH BOY - it's been a few interesting nights around here. By interesting I mean hellish. It was expected though. We are trying to break Sean from his nighttime feedings cold turkey. I believe I mentioned in a previous post that Sean breastfeeds all night long - too much information for you? No one is forcing you to read.

We began this process on the night before his 15 month mark. I fed him to sleep as I always do in our bed. He woke once (he usually wakes more) and I fed him again. It was 10 when we went to bed (Eric headed to the spare room). Sean didn't wake as I crawled into bed (I'd planned to give him one last feeding) so I left him alone, deciding 8 PM was a fine time for a last feeding for God's sake. So he woke at 11 screaming crying and wanting one thing and one thing only . I walked around with him until he miraculously fell asleep. I got 2 hours until he woke again at 1. Again, I walked around till he fell asleep again for 2 more hours. I thought this might not be so bad. No no no. Come 3 AM he was insane until 6 AM. But I did not give in. He'd cry, then stop, then cry, then stop. It was bad. At 6 I gave him milk and he drank drank drank. Then for the rest of the day it was the same old 2 sips here and there. So last night was harder. He was not comforted by me walking him around, he was twisting his little body around and almost falling out of my arms because I was so weak and tired. Eric came in from the guest room and walked around with him. I retreated to the guest room. At one point I woke and forgot where I was, but I knew I didn't hear Sean breathing and sat up in alarm. I went in and there the boys were, sleeping on the bed. I happily jumped back into the guest bed. Sean cried several times through the night and each time I'd get up and ask Eric if he was OK and each time I got to go back to an empty, glorious bed. At quarter of 6, Eric came in and got me, Sean was screaming in the background. I went in and took care of Sean. SO that's it so far. I pray he gets the hang of it and drinks more today or else I don't know if I can face tonight. But it's happening! Roughly between 8 PM and 6 AM I am determined that he not drink. I mean, I'll offer him water from a sippy cup or whatever but I have to be honest with you, it feels good not to be suckled on all night. I feel half free. So I am beat and a little worried about driving a car today (haha). Stay tuned....

xo

Bumps & Bruises

I'm beyond annoyed. Last night we brought Sean to his grandmother's house for a couple hours so that we could grab some Indian food at Shanti in Dorchester. I packed the baby bag with care; everything he needed. An hour into it, Eric called his mother to make sure things were OK. She beat around the bush, reluctant to tell him that Sean had fallen while running and hit his head on the coffee table. I could hear their conversation and excitedly asked did she ice it!? She said they had tried, but he wouldn't let them. Sean wasn't crying in the background so we stayed out a little longer.

When we got the the house Sean was all smiles, but he crawled across the floor. Sean has not crawled in over a month so I thought it was weird. I said so. He's tired, Bob said. I still think it's weird, though he hasn't crawled again. Pat joked that they were "fired." I joked back that we couldn't fire them (they are all we have around here). Once I got home my anger started to build. OF COURSE he wouldn't let them ice his head, I lamented to my husband, who is sick to death of my complaints after the fact, he's 14 months old!!

This morning half of his forehead is bruised and swollen. I swear his eyes seem further apart than they normally are with swelling in the middle. Half his forehead juts out like Cro-Magnon man or Rocky Dennis from the MASK movie. I am doing all I can not to pick up the phone and bitch out Eric's mother and her fiance. I drew Eric into the mix this morning. He's confused that Bob, a retired basketball coach, was so laid back: He made me ice everything when I was a kid. Get an F on a test = ice it!

So we are shaking our heads, why did they let our little boy get so swollen and bruised? If they had performed such a simple action, I wouldn't be sitting here wondering if I should get him to the hospital or not. He seems OK. But his forehead. Yeesh.

xo

13 months and walking...

Sean took his first real steps on Inauguration day = I guess Obama inspired him! He's so excited by this development - so are we! He actually gets mad when he falls - starts crying as if he's never going to stop. He steps so carefully, lifts his legs as if he's wading through a swamp. Yes, he had a couple of steps before the big event (the most memorable being in Tiffany's at the Atrium mall in Chestnut Hill the week before) but it was never more than an instant of standing followed by a huge crash. Now he is sailing across rooms. My pride is overwhelming, and now I'm scrambling to remember him crawling even though it was only a few yesterdays ago. I guess happy milestones are accompanied by a sense of sadness? For me they are.

HAPPY 2009

We stayed up until midnight this year. We ate Thai food and drank old ass champagne and watched Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin on CNN. The champagne was pretty bad, God knows how long it sat in the fridge - a year at best - but we didn't realize it until a few gulps in. The aftertaste was blasphemous and we abandoned ship. Sean was asleep upstairs during the turn into the new year and I wanted to go wake him up. Instead I kissed him as I crawled into bed at 12:05 AM.

It is weird to me that Sean just turned one and his little life has technically spanned 3 years (2007, '08 and '09). We're making an effort to not let him watch so much Yo Gabba Gabba. I know it can't be good - and boy does he love it too much. He asks for it by name but declines using his other words - mama - dada, etc. But he can say Yo Gabba Gabba. Guess it's another failure notch on my belt. Yeah I'm down on myself. I'm still thinking about having Jack Foley take more pictures of us. Yeah, I have a new haircut and I'd wear a different dress. We'll see if I can let that one go.

A very short list of things I want for Sean this year: to begin saying words, walking (he is standing for short periods without holding onto thigns)...to feel loved, safe and well-fed. To grow in all the ways he's supposed to. To not have any harm bestowed upon him from those insane vaccination shots that I hate subjecting him to. To not be bored. To have some little friends. To not be grumpy. To sleep through the night. To sleep in his crib (am I pushing things or what?)

xo